20 Days of Blogging.

I am not, I repeat, I am not promising I will be able to post daily. Having a full time job, and a rambunctious two year old leaves me with rarely any free time. However, when I get the chance, I am going to try to slowly complete these twenty day posts in a blogging channel.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself, and 20 about the ideal person for you.
2. Describe your relationship with your parents.
3. What are 5 passions you have?
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self and why.
5. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
6. What is the meaning of your blog name?
7. What are you afraid of?
8. My worst habits
9. Describe your location
10. Describe your dream place to live
11. What makes you sad?
12. What makes you happy?
13. What do you do for a living?
14. What are your 5 biggest pet peeves
15. Describe your family
16. Your OCD habits?
17. Ten guilty pleasures.
18. What does your grocery list look like?
19. The most beautiful place you have been.
20. Something that you miss.

They always say, if she scares the hell out of you, she is the one.

She is heaven. She is hell. She is fire. She is ice. She is a dangerous combination of everything I want, but everything I am scared to have.

I am not about to go on a tumblr roll about all those cliché relationship posts, how being in her arms is better than Disney World, how I want to be that girl…, and how just simply perfect she is. Really though guys, I completely could. All that cheesy stuff is, well cheesy, until you can put a person to the words in the picture. It scares the shit out of me. My last relationship took a huge toll on me, and my family. I thought I was madly in love with her. I thought our future would be perfect, I thought she was the person for me. She wasn’t, the person she portrayed when I fell in love, was not the person she really was. I spent almost two years trying to find that person somewhere inside of her, that I had fallen for. That person was nowhere to be found, that person was a fake identity just so I would stick around. I moved states with her, lost all connection with my family, and anyone that knows me, knows I am a very family oriented person. I felt stuck, I was not in love, and I was miserable for a long while, trying to find a way out. I was scared to get out, but knew I needed to. I was scared I was going to be alone, convinced every single human being was this way, every person I met would be the exact same. I needed out, and thank God, I got out. I told myself I would never love again, never fall for another human being, no matter how great they appeared. I was not going to put myself back out there, and be this sick and devastated ever again. It would kill me, I knew it would. I never wanted to experience the feelings I was experiencing ever again. My solution, have no heart, no feelings, and never ever look for another relationship, ever ever again. I think you know what I am about to say, but I am going to say it anyway…then I met her. She is the most imperfect, yet perfect person out there. She scares the hell out of me, because I can not figure her out. I want to figure that girl out so bad. I want to know why, why I have such strong feelings for this woman, when I promised myself I would not fall for anyone ever again. I mean, it could be because she is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on, or maybe because her soul is just as beautiful as her body, or maybe because her eyes are the coldest yet most amazing place for me to look. She has been hurt, you can tell, but her scars, the ones you can see and not see, are what make her real. It might be because her smile gives me hope, her laugh makes me light up inside, her kiss can make my entire body go insane, and her touch, even if just on my hand, I can feel in my entire body. It could be a mixture of all those beautiful things, but I still crave for more of her. I want someone to be mine, and I promised myself I would never have another “mine” as long as I lived. She is confusing, but hell I can not even figure myself out, and I am more than happy spending the rest of my life trying to figure her out. If I could, I would explore every inch of her mind, every thought, every thought process, every feeling, every emotion, every single thing her soul has ever experienced, the good and the bad. I am a very talkative person, but God I could sit, as quiet as I have ever been, and listen to her talk for hours. It is a feeling, I can honestly say I have never experienced. I have experienced a lot, lust, love, hate, sorrow, misery, etc. I have never been so intrigued in another human being, wanted to know ever end and every out of every single thing her mind has kept. It is beautiful, that is the only word I can use to describe it.

She scares the hell out of me, but I love it.

Suicide doesn’t kill. Depression Kills. Anxiety kills. Hate kills.

Suicide is a rising thing, especially in the LGBTQ community. People from all categories have been choosing suicide as the method to “end all of their problems” and that is sad.

Suicide is a permanent decision, to temporary problems. No one should feel as if that is their only option, and my heart aches for those people who do feel that type of way. I know, because I have been there. I have been where you are. You are not alone, and not the only person that is dealing with those feelings inside your head. There is not a cure for depression, anxiety, or any other of the illness that is inside ones own head. So, when I use the term “suffered” in this blog, no that only means because today is a good day, I’m not suffering from it today. I will never be cured, I have my bad days, but recently my good days have outweighed the bad, and for that I am thankful. I have suffered from depression, the kind that you don’t even know why you are so sad, when someone asks you if you are okay you will reply with “Yeah, why?” because it is easier than telling them that you are not okay, and you have no idea why you are not. You can be having one of the best days of your life, and still be thinking in your head about how fucking sad you are, and then it pisses you off because you have no idea why you are so sad. I have those days, you are not alone. I also suffer from severe anxiety. I hate change, I live my life on a schedule, I know what I am doing, and when, at all times. I have to know everything, and in this world you can not simply know everything, and that itself is a hard concept for me to grasp. I freak out if any detail changes, if anything differs from what I have planned, or any slight disruption into my normal routine. I shut down, completely turn the world off, fall emotionless at the drop of a hat, and on really bad days fall into one of those “worst crazy freak outs” category and send myself into severe anxiety attacks. Fighting depression AND anxiety, I will admit I know what it is like to feel suicidal. I used self-mutilation as a form of reassurance that I was in fact still alive. I liked the pain, it let me know I was able to at least feel something. It was a method to calm myself down, bring myself back to the real world to be able to function as a normal citizen, because I thought I was not normal. You are normal. I know what it is like to lay in bed, and hope like hell you will not wake up in the morning, because you are too scared to take your own life, but you do not want to go on any longer. You can feel how completely and utterly huge this world is, and you feel so tiny, so worthless, so unimportant. You are none of those things. I know how it feels to not want to live, and it sucks. I am still alive to write this though, which means I fought through those temporary feelings, and I am proud of that fact. My heart aches for the people who were strong, brave enough, to take their own lives. They felt like that was their only way out, and for that I am sorry. Every one of those lives, were something beautiful, something that was not supposed to end. They felt some sort of inside pain, inner demons, all the hate from this nasty world, and they could not escape. That was their escape. Suicide is not the answer. Talk to someone, anyone. Talk to me. You will get over whatever you are feeling. It may take hours, days, weeks, months, or years. You will get over it, and look back to see what a fighter, what a strong individual you actually were. You made it through what others could not. Feelings are temporary, death is permanent.